I have suffered from insomnia on and off since I was about 13. When I was a teenager I hardly slept. I would be awake until at least three, then get up for school the next day. At the weekend I wouldn’t sleep in but be awake and watch tv in bed. Same during the holidays really. I would always be awake when my dad came home from the pub and I would pretend to be asleep but I never was.
I shared a room with my sister all through my teenage years, and she’s three years younger than me, so I could stay up and read in my room because I would keep her awake. And my sister had her own sleeping problems as a kid (not unlike my nephew’s at the moment).
When I was older it got worse so I started to try different medications for it.
I started with Herbel Nytol and have tried everything over the counter at one time or another, including two lots of anti-histimines. None of them work any more. I got some Zopiclone from my doctor and that really hit the spot. For a few years on and off. It gave me nightmares though, and at the end of my attempt I had nightmares and no sleep.
I started at the pharmacy and we sell Sominex, which is a sedating antihistamine called Promethazine Hydrochloride (not one of the ones I’d already taken for hayfever/sleeping problems). That seems to be working at the moment, enough that half a tablet – 10mg – does the job. The full dose knocks me for six until about two in the afternoon.
I love that feeling, love actually getting a full night’s sleep. Even with the weird dreams that I have regularly.
Not much else works right now – not when it’s really bad. When the Promethazine Hydrochloride stops working (and I’m sure it will), I’ll have to try something else. I’ll probably have to go back to the doctors but I’m not sure what will be next.
It’s weird the things people get offended by and the things people will tolerate. How we are all different can really change the way we see and react to different things. My wife and I are a good example of how similar two people can be and how different they can react to things.
We liked the same things, we’re both weird on a very specific level. We enjoy the same films and some of the same music and we’re very, very compatible.
We react very differently to violence on TV.
I am pretty much desensitized to violence in films. I watched Robocop 1 and 2 when I was 12 and by then I was already pretty unfazed by it all. I watch a lot of horror films and I don’t scare easily by them or am bothered by them.
My wife on the other hand hates violence in films. Will not watch any horror films with me (I watch them when she takes her baths) and doesn’t like action films that much either (too loud, too busy) and I’ll watch Die Hard over and over until the cows come home with bombs strapped to their udders in a devious plot to take over the world which becomes Die Hard 6. I am also looking forward to Die Hard: In Space.
We were raised very differently though. Which would explain those differences – I’ve been allowed to watch as much tv as I want all my life and when in my dad’s care pretty much watched what I liked (hence Robocop). My wife’s parents didn’t let her watch a lot of tv, or play video games. She’s not as desensitized as me to it and not interested in getting desensitized (if that’s possible). Which isn’t a bad thing.
I find it interesting the way films that were rated 18 say twenty years ago would not be considered a fifteen now. Remember all that fury about video nasties in the eighties. Would they still be banned nowadays, or would they simply be rated eighteens?
The one things that bugs me the most about my job is the waste.
I work for a pharmacy so we have wasted drugs and we don’t recycle. So many drugs are wasted, people don’t realise how much they’re wasting and sometimes people are just wilfully wasteful too. We’ve had bags, huge bags of unused medications – tablets, liquid, powder. Things people have take incorrectly, or not taken at all, or just forgotten. Medication people have just not even bothered to open and have gone out of date.
It drives me crazy.
At home we recycle, compost, collect glass in a big box that we keep in our alley until we can talk my mum or sister into driving me to the nearest glass bank (we live in a village).
So it bugs me to see so much waste out in the world.
Shops that leave lights on over night, packaging that just gets thrown out – the amount of packaging we through out is unreal. We just get a single item in a box delivered to us sometimes because a machine did it and no one thinks to check these things. I’ve walked past a Marks and Spencers in the middle of the night and seen all their lights on as well as the escalators. Who needs escalators in the middle of the night?
The amount of effort we – the public – are told we need to put into saving the world. We’ve told every individual needs to do their part, the government threatens to take away our bin collections in favour of recycling but no one seems to make business’s do the same.
And it makes me so angry.
We the public end up being responsible for every little thing and saving the whole damn world individually, and together that’s fine because we need to do it, but there needs to be a lot more done by business’s. Instead of just trying to cut costs and sending an item in a box that could’ve been placed in any of the other twenty boxes that were sent that day.
I will carry on composting and recycling and so on though, because I want to save the world.
I keep them all locked up
broken bits of myself
and the only things that keep me together
are the lies I’ve told to keep the secrets to myself.
I will never say a word.
Carrying it swirling around my shoulders
cracked features and blurred eyesight
years of secrets I don’t need to keep.
Haven’t needed to keep for too many years.
I am nothing without them,
they are me as much as I am.
When I am done and dead
all that will be left
will be secrets and ash
as I burn into the atmosphere.
Not from anyone in particular – I didn’t have them dropped off at a shop to be cleaned or anything. I’m taking them back from my bra. And from society. I don’t need to wear a bra, so I’m not going to wear a bra.
Two things you should know about me when it comes to this. One, I am overweight, but a B-cup. And barely a B-cup. It varies between A and B depending on my weight. So getting a bra that fits is a difficulty in the first place. Bras either don’t fit, or they’re really expensive (and still don’t fit). Basically I have bra extenders but even then they’re still a bit too tight to be considered either healthy or comfortable.
Two – I do not dress up much. On my better days I’m a tomboy, most days I’m a clean scruff bag. I’ve been like that since I was seven years old. I am more comfortable with my nudity, especially when it comes to my chest, than I am in a blouse.
I don’t even like the word blouse.
Or shoes, I hate shoes.
But that’s off point.
So I’ve decided to stop wearing bras. It was half a joke on a facebook status my wife made about fixing my washing machine. Two of my stupid bra extenders were stuck in the drain this time (not the first time it’s happened) and now the machine is leaking. I like my washing machine. I do not like my bras. Something had to go.
I tend not to wear a bra at home (I can’t imagine there are a lot of women that do), I never wear it to the village shops either. Cause, screw that. I only wear it when I leave the village – when I go to work, or into town.
Saturday I went to town without it on. Just went in my t-shirt and my jacket and no freaking bra. No one noticed. No one cares. I don’t know why I think they care. There’s some unwritten rule about bras that everyone follows and no wants to. No one is looking at my chest. Okay, some people are looking at my chest – based on the law of averages. Cause I know I am looking at people’s chest for various reasons – I like geeky t-shirts and breasts – but no one bloody cares.
I don’t care.
Work was the big thing today. I don’t need the support but damn it’s cold in my house in the morning and my nips need the extra layer – either to keep them warm or so they’re less obvious. Plus I was kinda nervous about it, cause I did a full day at work, I knew it would be busy and I’ve been conditioned into this idea that I need to wear a bra. So I wore a vest underneath my uniform – which is a thick polyester thing – to take the edge off. The vest made me hot and did take the edge off my nips for the morning. And I think I’ll wear a vest for the rest of the week as I get used to it all. I also took my bra to work with me in my bag just in case I felt like needed it.
I didn’t. And dammit I was too busy today to even really think about it. I was too warm but too busy to really even be bothered about that. Which is what I like about my job in the tourist months but off point as usual.
So, we’ll see how this goes. As of writing, it’s nice, cause my bras never did fit right, never did feel right. Not for a long time. I don’t need the support. Hell, I need the improved circulation and freedom and just god not having to do something else people are telling me I should do. I hate being told what to do.
I understand this isn’t for everyone. Some women need the support. Some women want to wear bras but I certainly don’t. It’s my body and I will continue to do whatever I want to it from tattooing to clothing.