This post could be triggering for self harm and cutting.
I can be pretty paranoid anyway, it’s something I’ve always lived with – like the insomnia – and different things set it off. It’s not nearly as bad as it used to be but now and then something still sets off the nerves along the back of my neck and up into the back of my mind and digs it back off again.
Nothing makes me feel more paranoid than when I accidentally cut myself or injure my arms in some way.
I always favoured my arms when it self harm. Nothing else gave me the same feeling as cutting my arms so I have a lot of scars, scars I do not hide. And while they are slowly fading (I don’t do anything to aid the healing/fading) they are on show and they are noticeable.
At least, I assume they are noticeable. It could be part of the paranoia as well.
As well as the scars being noticeable, people know I used to self harm. It’s not something I’ve hidden or kept secret for a long time now. So people know.
So I always assume that people assume that I’ve cut myself deliberately when I’ve got new cuts or scratches on my arms. I assume this and the story of what actually happened comes tumbling out like some terrible story I’ve made up to cover up the truth – that I’ve self harmed.
So here’s the story:-
So I was putting away the dry dishes on Tuesday, and on my knees putting saucepans away while wrestling with cats who wanted to get into the cupboard and somehow (the exact how is still a mystery) a glass fell off the draining board, hit the counter, smashed and rained glass down on me. And the horribly sharp shards of glass that fell on me cut and nicked my arm. Not badly – a couple of scratches, a couple of deeper cuts, a few nicks.
So, I found some plasters and covered up the worst bits and carried on with my washing up.
The thing is – if I had cut myself you would never have known I had done anything if I didn’t want you too. I’m really good at hiding things. Been doing for a long time. But I panicked at work and the above story came out in a rush, randomly, as if to explain it away so they wouldn’t think I had cut myself. Because I don’t want people thinking I have cut myself when I haven’t. Because I don’t want people to think I’ve had a slip, that I’m struggling, that I’m not well – when I am well and I am coping.
The cuts are healing nicely. Actually, I think my allergic reaction to the plasters I used was worse than the cuts. The fact that they are healing so well says a lot about the fact they are accidental, though that’s not very obvious to the outsider.
Or really to anyone that isn’t me.
Hiding cuts usually means they don’t get the air they need to heal – a lot of my cuts got infected over the years just from being covered up so much or from getting fluff and stuff in them from the sleeves of my tops.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is – please don’t assume every cut is done on purpose. I’m actually really bloody clumsy! I’m doing okay, coping pretty well, feeling pretty good.
If you self harm check out some of my links here – I haven’t updated them in a while so let me know if you have anything you want to add. And if you need to talk use my contact form – I’ll talk to anyone struggling with self harm and mental health problems.