There are a few things I don’t really blog about, one of the big things being my relationship with my wife. Yes I mention her all the time and tell you how much I love her often (I really do love her), but I tend not to really say any more than that. Our relationship is between us. Not the world. One thing I will tell you is that we talk about having children all the time, and eventually we will have kids. We’re still in that talking phase as opposed to seriously planning how the hell we’re going to actually have a child. We’ve come to the agreement that my wife would be the one to carry the child, and that my sister is going to babysit come hell or high water, but other than that it’s still a thing for a few years down the line so most discussion are only half serious conversations about having kids that usually end up in chaotic madness until we’re laughing or lamenting our own parents ideas of parenting. Or both.
Mum and Jay
I love my parents, in my own way, it’s a difficult subject, talking about my dad. My mum was a great mum, not perfect, growing up I could’ve done with a little less ‘It’s not that bad‘, when I was upset about something, but when it comes down to it, if that’s the only bad thing I can think of then I’m doing pretty well. She encouraging, and loving and worked her ass off for us when we were kids and I can think of a million great stories about her. She’s also nuts, I mean she was always nuts, and then at seventeen she had a hysterectomy and well, the HRT made her even a little nuttier. And then, well, they found a shadow on her brain (they’re still looking into it) and well, I can think of another nuttier descriptive word. She’s very laid back about most things, including the shadow that is on her brain! You don’t want to cross her though, or a family member of hers. You don’t mess with my mum.
When we moved to Wales, we moved in with Jay, who had no children and little experience with kids (just dogs and horses). It’s always difficult to make a new family and it had been just me, mum and my sister for about three years and Jay didn’t really no what to do with us and we didn’t always know what to do with Jay. It was awkward, that first year or so, but it got easier and Jay is wonderful. A hell of a worrier though. Drives my mum crazy worrying about me and my sister. I love that Jay loves us enough to drive my mother insane by worrying.
My dad and sister.
My dad was very much from the ‘Do as I say, not as I do,’ school of parenting. He insisted that we would never smoke but smoked like a chimney for example. We couldn’t swear but listened to him swear a lot. Sometimes I think the time I spent up the pub with him as a kid was like a lesson in how not to be a grown up. I learnt a lot about that. He still signs off with the saying – “Be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful don’t give your right name and address.” – which I think says a lot about how my dad lived his life and still sees life even as his Parkinson’s progresses. I spent a lot of my teenage years convincing him not to do things (smoke, stay in the pub, fight) instead of the other way around. It’s not quite supposed to be like that and it took a long time for me to figure that out, even with my mother being a normal (if bonkers) mum.
I would like to be a better parent than my own. I’m sure we would all. I practice on my niece and nephew, my nephew is a great kid, but has some problems and suffers from anxiety. He struggles to fit in. He basically me, which breaks my heart because well, I don’t always want to be me, why would I want a kid I love most in the world to be me. But he is and my wife continually reminds me that at least he has us to help him and understand him. We didn’t have that when we were growing up. He has so much help that I’m sure he’ll be fine, he’s a good kid, a budding computer geek and gamer and feminist (though he doesn’t know what it means yet).
Having kids won’t be easy, not just because we’re a gay couple, but because we’re both a little nuts. I’m still suffering from what I consider medium anxiety problems (it’s certainly been worse), and minor depression with passing medium depression now and then. I want to be healthier, mentally (and probably a little less lazy) by time we have a kid. But I’m sure I will be, every year I improve and am more constructive and a little less lazy (just a little). I also find more will power every year – this years lent has been easier than last year (and I really like chocolate biscuits).
Of course, naming our child Pelagia probably won’t help him as he grows up.
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